the forgotten love

Today is Tuesday – 27th April 2010...

This morning...it was so calm, serene and cold...the moment I woke up, it started to rain...later on, when I was ready to get back to work, it was already raining cats and dogs...

The sound of the falling rain...the cold...and the smell of my Johnson’s Baby Wash...These combined elements...it brought back the memory of L.O.V.E...The one memory that I had fought so hard to forget... somehow, this forgotten memory reminisce itself into my brain...dragging me into the blues mood...as a result, I turned to be forlorn for the whole day...

It all happened when I just got back to Malaysia...fresh from the overseas experience; love is not something I was looking forward to... I was eager to meet my former friends more than anything else...but who was I to avoid the fate that was stored for me...coming back to the college means that we were the oldest (super duper hyper) seniors [yeah...minus the KPLI students of course]...

Prior to this, I had experience that the Malay guys are typical...they are always looking for beautiful, fair, slender girls...they expect the girls to be obedient, loyal, demure, the perfect “Wanita Melayu Terakhir”... in my eyes, these people expect a lot from a girl but they forget that they also have faults...they are not perfect either...egoistic, vanity and autocratic...that’s the typical Malay guys..

“Jangan diharap suami semulia Rasulullah jika diri tidak sehebat Khadijah, jangan diharap suami sekacak Yusuf jika kasih tidak setulus Zulaikha.......”
(Quoted from: Ustazah Mariah...yang hujung-hujung tu tak ingat la...hehe)

The above phrase is exactly what I am trying to explain....even though it applies to girls, but otherwise, the same goes to guys...

But OK...we are allowed to dream, right? But dreams alone are not enough...we need to change to be better if we really WANT the best spouse, right? I don’t know about others...but that’s what I believe...

And...for that reason, I had never been in a serious relationship with a guy and had never been in love as well...a crush is normal for me because this thing does not last long...the longest would be for a few months, but more often, it is only for a few weeks...but falling in LOVE is never my thing...I had never felt that...neither do I look forward to it...

How arrogant I was...

Volleyball court/ gym – the meeting place...

It was a must-do thing for me to go for volleyball practice every evening (to the point in which I’d rather not go to MV just to have fun in the court)...

For the first few days, I really had fun with my old friends...going to the court means having a good laugh...it is true – laughter is the best medicine...I let out my true colour...laughing hysterically because of a silly mistake was normal...soon after, the other juniors from other cohorts joined us...the small group expanded into a large happy family...

One fine day - I saw him on my way to the court...his prominent feature were his high-cheek bones and protruding eyes... I was stunned...he caught me off guard just by flashing his sheepish smile......then, days after days he started to join us at the court...even though he was more into badminton but I guess our laughter was so contagious that he couldn’t resist the temptation to be a part of us...

Every time he was around, my knees were trembling, hands were shaking...and there was a butterfly in my tummy...my heart beat faster as if I was going to get a heart attack... it was true then, I was attracted to him first because of physical appearance...but as time passed by, I got chances to know him better... the more I know about him, the more I became infatuated by him...by his humour (never thought that he could crack jokes), by his warm personality and of course, his eyes...

At that time, I could only wish that he would notice me for who I am...I wish that he would not be the typical Malay guy...but I also realised that I was never good enough for him...he was too perfect – it was almost impossible for me to reach out for him...thus, I could only admire him from far...For the first time, I was really in love...this is the love that I could never have the guts to show or express...

How crazy I was? Imagine it to the point where I would always stand by my room’s windows just to get a peek at him when he walked his way to the ‘musolla’...or I would deliberately went to the toilet (down in the dungeon) below the library just to catch a glimpse of him...or the favourite place was when I waited for my dinner at Scud cafe, I would cast anxious glance towards the entrance wishing that he would drop by...in some way, I had become a stalker!

Hell...yeah...all my BFFs knew that I was so smitten by him...except that they were so good in keeping their lips tight in order to preserve my pride from being called “Perigi mencari timba”...and for that, thank you SO MUCH...you guys are awesome!

Apparently, I guess he knew my feelings towards him although I never breathed a word about it...I believe that his instinct was good...

I knew no matter how smitten I was, I would never have the future with him...apart from the feeling of inadequacy, he was getting ready for his study abroad...he will leave the country for quite some time pursuing his future while I’d be ready for my teaching career (oh yeah..btw, he was 2 years junior my age)...and most importantly, he would never see me as “special” - the same way I saw him...

He left the country. The last time I saw him was at the KLIA. Sending him off was not easy but I knew that I had to do that or I’ll regret it for the whole life. The last photos that we took together at the airport showed other signs – from his smile, I knew that I will lose him forever. Yeah...my future will never be with him...it hurts so much, I wish I could turn back time and had the guts to tell him how much I adore him...how much I wanted to be ‘the one’ for him...but as a typical, conservative Malay girl I am, I would never have the courage to do so...

After his leaving, my heart was numb and cold– he had taken away the big chunk of it and I never get back the missing piece...of course, there are pressures from family who want to see me getting married but somehow, it is difficult for me to open up my heart to others...there were a few guys after him, and I tried to warm up my feelings, harbouring my emotions but...my heart was so stubborn, it refuses to re-grow the missing parts of it...it feels as if I was up against a wall. I am stuck.

I live in denial...even though I say repeatedly to myself that I am over him (it is already a few years), I will try to avoid reading anything related to him... Even now, I still have the goose bumps whenever I see him online (in FB) but I never have the nerve to pick up the first line...thus, I could only yearn for him in silent...oddly enough, watching his name appears on my screen makes me nervous and happy...at least, I know that he is very much alive and doing well...and I wish him all the happiness in the world...May he will always be under the love and protection of Allah...

Today...I am a happy woman with satisfying career and wonderful students to fill up the empty spaces left by him...with my busy schedule, I often forget that not long time ago, this one person crossed my path and left quite a big impact in my life...once, I was weak because of him...but now, I understand that he actually taught me to be patient in life...Love is not only about two people having the same feeling but the is diverse....

“Kadang-kadang kita mengeluh mengapa bumi ditimpa hujan...menagapa matahari enggan menampakkan diri...tetapi kita tidak tahu, rupa-rupanya Allah ingin beri kita keindahan Pelangi...”

I have found the new love of my life – my lovely students...and of course, my beloved family (^0^)

T.A.M.A.H.O.M.E. – he is the forgotten love

True fact – can you believe that one of my students has the same name exactly as his? It is not a common name but yeah...coincidences do happen in life...