the forgotten love

Today is Tuesday – 27th April 2010...

This morning...it was so calm, serene and cold...the moment I woke up, it started to rain...later on, when I was ready to get back to work, it was already raining cats and dogs...

The sound of the falling rain...the cold...and the smell of my Johnson’s Baby Wash...These combined elements...it brought back the memory of L.O.V.E...The one memory that I had fought so hard to forget... somehow, this forgotten memory reminisce itself into my brain...dragging me into the blues mood...as a result, I turned to be forlorn for the whole day...

It all happened when I just got back to Malaysia...fresh from the overseas experience; love is not something I was looking forward to... I was eager to meet my former friends more than anything else...but who was I to avoid the fate that was stored for me...coming back to the college means that we were the oldest (super duper hyper) seniors [yeah...minus the KPLI students of course]...

Prior to this, I had experience that the Malay guys are typical...they are always looking for beautiful, fair, slender girls...they expect the girls to be obedient, loyal, demure, the perfect “Wanita Melayu Terakhir”... in my eyes, these people expect a lot from a girl but they forget that they also have faults...they are not perfect either...egoistic, vanity and autocratic...that’s the typical Malay guys..

“Jangan diharap suami semulia Rasulullah jika diri tidak sehebat Khadijah, jangan diharap suami sekacak Yusuf jika kasih tidak setulus Zulaikha.......”
(Quoted from: Ustazah Mariah...yang hujung-hujung tu tak ingat la...hehe)

The above phrase is exactly what I am trying to explain....even though it applies to girls, but otherwise, the same goes to guys...

But OK...we are allowed to dream, right? But dreams alone are not enough...we need to change to be better if we really WANT the best spouse, right? I don’t know about others...but that’s what I believe...

And...for that reason, I had never been in a serious relationship with a guy and had never been in love as well...a crush is normal for me because this thing does not last long...the longest would be for a few months, but more often, it is only for a few weeks...but falling in LOVE is never my thing...I had never felt that...neither do I look forward to it...

How arrogant I was...

Volleyball court/ gym – the meeting place...

It was a must-do thing for me to go for volleyball practice every evening (to the point in which I’d rather not go to MV just to have fun in the court)...

For the first few days, I really had fun with my old friends...going to the court means having a good laugh...it is true – laughter is the best medicine...I let out my true colour...laughing hysterically because of a silly mistake was normal...soon after, the other juniors from other cohorts joined us...the small group expanded into a large happy family...

One fine day - I saw him on my way to the court...his prominent feature were his high-cheek bones and protruding eyes... I was stunned...he caught me off guard just by flashing his sheepish smile......then, days after days he started to join us at the court...even though he was more into badminton but I guess our laughter was so contagious that he couldn’t resist the temptation to be a part of us...

Every time he was around, my knees were trembling, hands were shaking...and there was a butterfly in my tummy...my heart beat faster as if I was going to get a heart attack... it was true then, I was attracted to him first because of physical appearance...but as time passed by, I got chances to know him better... the more I know about him, the more I became infatuated by him...by his humour (never thought that he could crack jokes), by his warm personality and of course, his eyes...

At that time, I could only wish that he would notice me for who I am...I wish that he would not be the typical Malay guy...but I also realised that I was never good enough for him...he was too perfect – it was almost impossible for me to reach out for him...thus, I could only admire him from far...For the first time, I was really in love...this is the love that I could never have the guts to show or express...

How crazy I was? Imagine it to the point where I would always stand by my room’s windows just to get a peek at him when he walked his way to the ‘musolla’...or I would deliberately went to the toilet (down in the dungeon) below the library just to catch a glimpse of him...or the favourite place was when I waited for my dinner at Scud cafe, I would cast anxious glance towards the entrance wishing that he would drop by...in some way, I had become a stalker!

Hell...yeah...all my BFFs knew that I was so smitten by him...except that they were so good in keeping their lips tight in order to preserve my pride from being called “Perigi mencari timba”...and for that, thank you SO MUCH...you guys are awesome!

Apparently, I guess he knew my feelings towards him although I never breathed a word about it...I believe that his instinct was good...

I knew no matter how smitten I was, I would never have the future with him...apart from the feeling of inadequacy, he was getting ready for his study abroad...he will leave the country for quite some time pursuing his future while I’d be ready for my teaching career (oh yeah..btw, he was 2 years junior my age)...and most importantly, he would never see me as “special” - the same way I saw him...

He left the country. The last time I saw him was at the KLIA. Sending him off was not easy but I knew that I had to do that or I’ll regret it for the whole life. The last photos that we took together at the airport showed other signs – from his smile, I knew that I will lose him forever. Yeah...my future will never be with him...it hurts so much, I wish I could turn back time and had the guts to tell him how much I adore him...how much I wanted to be ‘the one’ for him...but as a typical, conservative Malay girl I am, I would never have the courage to do so...

After his leaving, my heart was numb and cold– he had taken away the big chunk of it and I never get back the missing piece...of course, there are pressures from family who want to see me getting married but somehow, it is difficult for me to open up my heart to others...there were a few guys after him, and I tried to warm up my feelings, harbouring my emotions but...my heart was so stubborn, it refuses to re-grow the missing parts of it...it feels as if I was up against a wall. I am stuck.

I live in denial...even though I say repeatedly to myself that I am over him (it is already a few years), I will try to avoid reading anything related to him... Even now, I still have the goose bumps whenever I see him online (in FB) but I never have the nerve to pick up the first line...thus, I could only yearn for him in silent...oddly enough, watching his name appears on my screen makes me nervous and happy...at least, I know that he is very much alive and doing well...and I wish him all the happiness in the world...May he will always be under the love and protection of Allah...

Today...I am a happy woman with satisfying career and wonderful students to fill up the empty spaces left by him...with my busy schedule, I often forget that not long time ago, this one person crossed my path and left quite a big impact in my life...once, I was weak because of him...but now, I understand that he actually taught me to be patient in life...Love is not only about two people having the same feeling but the is diverse....

“Kadang-kadang kita mengeluh mengapa bumi ditimpa hujan...menagapa matahari enggan menampakkan diri...tetapi kita tidak tahu, rupa-rupanya Allah ingin beri kita keindahan Pelangi...”

I have found the new love of my life – my lovely students...and of course, my beloved family (^0^)

T.A.M.A.H.O.M.E. – he is the forgotten love

True fact – can you believe that one of my students has the same name exactly as his? It is not a common name but yeah...coincidences do happen in life...

penantian...

PENANTIAN SATU PENYEKSAAN

salam...

I have just finished talking with my BFF - Aunty Aida...

It has been quite a while since we had this long conversation over the phone and talking to her , transports me back to the days in windy Wellington...where we will talk about lots of things (mostly gossipping....hehe)

And I almost forget how understanding she is...I am lucky though to have crossed my path with her...being a part of her life (thank God, Uncle Ikmal is so understanding & wacky as well, we could have the same opinion...and...at times, we also fight for Aunty Aida’s attention...*big grin*)

And it is even more sweeter that until today, we are still the best friends ever..

(EVERTON HALL, flat 4 - the fantastic four of Flat 4... Ummi Yakuza, Baya-chan, Huda Hoods and Aunty Aida...haha...that's our nickname that describes our special friendship...hehe...syok sendiri)

well...

As some other people have done the same thing...she complained that I rarely update my blog...

*sigh*...the truth...it's not that I do not want to update it...but the piles of work that need my attention have really taken up most of my times...plus, the other painstaking tasks leave me breathless, exhausted me and pushing me beyond my limit...as a result, Iwould prefer to use the extra time that I have to recharge my energy by having a really good sleep..*smile*

And another reason why sometimes I feel fed up to update the blog is because of the internet connection...the Celcom broadband is way too slow...it puts my patience on the edge of breaking point...even now, when I’m trying to update my Kaspersky Anti-Virus, there is still very little progress with the indicator still shows ...updating 10% since 52 minutes ago - *fuh...heaving a heavy sigh*

Living in the end of Selangor territory (in an area called Sungai Lang, Sabak Bernam just next to the Malacca Straits)...there is no such thing called 3G...so, for the rest of the process...I’ll just leave it to your own imagination...

Benarlah kata pepatah – penantian satu penyeksaan...

note: even though I am far away from modern cities (2 hours drive from KL / Klang)...with no Secret Recipe, no Macdonalds, no bowling centre, no 3G access, no favourite San Francisco Coffee cafe and bla, bla,bla..(the list goes on..)

BUT...life in here in so peaceful, beautiful & wonderful...falling in love with the place everyday...

masih kah ade yang sanggup........

masih kah ade yang sanggup????

**** i got this email quite a long time ago from a friend of mine..and i thought that it's good..so, let's share...may we get something beneficial from it...


Kisah berlaku waktu satu rombongan guru pelatih membuat rombongan ke tempat bersejarah. Bila sampai ke tempat yang dituju para guru pelatih mendapati tempat tersebut merupakan satu yang tidak pernah dikunjung oleh sesiapa...lengang, sepi!

Maka guru pelatih bermula turun untuk melihat kesan sejarah yang ada di tempat tersebut. Pada permulaan, mereka berkumpul bersama melihat kesan sejarah yang ada. Lebih kurang sejam selepas itu mereka berpecah menuju ke tempat sejarah yang mereka sukai.

Nak jadi cerita, seorang guru pelatih perempuan yang begitu tekun mencatit dan mengarang maklumat yang ada pada kesan sejarah tersebut, tanpa disedar,dah tertinggal.

Yang trainer pulak ingat semua cikgu-cikgu dah ada dalam bas, so mereka bertolak untuk balik.

Cikgu pelatih yang tertinggal tu mula gabra...menjerit sekuat hati, cemas giler panggil kawan-kawan dia dan pelatih yang lain. Tapi hampa.

So dia tekad berjalan nak keluar dari tempat berkenaan menuju ke kampung berdekatan. Sejam berjalan tetapi masih tidak menjumpai sesiapa. Startlah letih dan menangis panggil mak ayah.

Pusing pusing nampak satu pondok kecik berdekatan dengan tempat tu. so dia pegi ketuk pintu. Keluar seorang pemuda anggaran umur linkungan lewat 20an dan bertanya: siapa kamu? Jawablah cikgu tadi yang dia tertinggal bas rombongan, dan tak tahu nak pulang.

Berkatalah lelaki tadi bahawa tempat yang ingin ditujunya berletak di selatan dan tempat mereka berada di utara, dan tempat tu memang tak didiami sesiapa. Maka menangislah cikgu tadi bagai orang hilang akal...

Disebabkan kesian, lelaki tu menyuruh cikgu tadi bermalam dipondok dia je sementara tunggu subuh untuk di hantar pulang.

Cikgu tu disuruh tidur atas katil lelaki tersebut manakala lelaki itu tidur atas lantai berhamparkan kain je dan ambil sehelai kain lain digantung sebagai pengadang tempat tidur antara dia dan cikgu tu.

Lelaki tadi duduk dipenjuru pondok dan membaca buku. Yang cikgu tu tutup seluruh badan dia ngan kain gebar menahan menangis dek takut dan tak henti matanya mengawasi lelaki misteri tu.

Tiba-tiba lelaki tu tutup buku dan pergi kat lilin yang menyala dan membakar jarinya satu persatu...

Cikgu tadi apalagi, bertambah kecut perut takut kerana berfikir bahawa lelaki tersebut mengamalkan ilmu songsang.. mengeletar giler maut... Maka kedua-duanya tidak tidur sehingga pagi...

Bila menjelang pagi lelaki tersebut menghantar cikgu tadi ketempat asalnya.

Bila dah sampai rumah, cikgu tadi pun menceritakan apa yang terjadi kat mak bapak dia. Bapak cikgu tu dengan seribu satu persoalan mengesyaki sesuatu berlaku, sebab tengok anak dia nampak sakit, pucat lesi dan takut amatlah sangat.

Si bapa pun pergi ke tempat yang dimaksudkan anaknya tu. Menyamar sebagai pemburu yang tersesat dan bertanya tempat tuju. Dalam hati si bapa tadi hairan tengok jari jari tangan lelaki tadi berbalut dan bertanya kenapa...

So, lelaki tu pun cerita bahawa dua malam lepas datang seorang perempuan cantik elok paras rupa untuk tumpang bermalam dipondok beliau. Dan sudah tentu pada ketika itu syaitan iblis sudah berada bersama mereka. Disebabkan takut terjadinya perkara yang tidak diingini berlaku, beliau membakar jarinya satu persatu supaya dapat menghindarkan diri dari berfikir memperkosa perempuan tersebut.

Mendengar penerangan lelaki tersebut si bapa mempelawa lelaki berbalut jari itu datang kerumahnya dan berhajat mengahwinkan anaknya kepada lelaki tersebut.., tanpa pengetahuan lelaki tu yang bahawasanya perempuan yang akan dikahwininya adalah perempuan yang menumpang tidur di katil nya 2 malam yang sudah.....

MOTIF CERITA

Beruntunglah lelaki tersebut kerana menghindarkan diri dari melakukan benda haram satu malam, dan dia berjaya mendapat sesuatu yang indah dan halal seumur hidup... ..

---> adakah lagi lelaki seperti ini (*wink*)

the fighter...

salam..

Yesterday, in the midst of hustle bustle of the staff room a.k.a "Bilik Guru", (the normal recess chaotic with many students and teachers going in & out) suddenly there were so many noises sprung up..

what were they?

oh yeah..the commotion were the sounds of music from many laptops belonging to different people:

Zali's laptop was playing the "Rock Kapak" songs - among the songs was my favourite "jiwang karat" song entitled (if I am not mistaken) "tangga- tangga menuju bahagia" by Alleycats...hahaha...see? how "jiwang" am I...[kuikuikui]

Kak Mariah's Real Player on the other hand was playing another series of my favourite songs as well - the Nasyid...

listening to these Nasyid tune...all of sudden, the memory with my roommates in IPBA - (with Che Yam, Aunty Aida & Mama Kinah being the coolest and wackiest mates ever) came into my mind...it was playing the images as if I was watching a big screen in the cinema..

the song...the melody...the beautiful lyrics...and the crush I used to have on Tamahome at that time...(haha..there goes my secret - openly revealed & publicly exposed to everyone)

W.A.N.I.T.A (Insan Istimewa) - the title of the song by DeHearty...here is the lyrics that always gives me the tingling sensation whenever the song is on air...

Kau digelar sebagai penyeri dunia
Hadirmu melengkap hubungan manusia
Bukan sahaja dirindui yang biasa

Malah Adam turut sunyi tanpa Hawa

Akalmu senipis bilahan rambut
Tebalkanlah ia dengan limpahan ilmu
Jua hatimu bak kaca yang rapuh
Kuatkanlah ia dengan iman yang teguh

*Tercipta engkau dari rusuk lelaki
Bukan dari kaki untuk dialasi
Bukan dari kepala untuk dijunjung
Tapi dekat di bahu untuk dilindung
Dekat jua di hati untuk dikasihi
Engkaulah wanita hiasan duniawi

**Mana mungkin lahirnya bayangan yang lurus elok
Jika datangnya dari kayu yang bengkok
Begitulah peribadi yang dibentuk

Engkaulah "wanita istimewa"

Didiklah wanita dengan keimanan
Bukannya harta ataupun pujian
Kelak tidak derita mengharap pada yang binasa
Engkaulah wanita istimewa

Sedarilah insan istimewa
Bahawa kelembutan bukan kelemahan
Bukan jua penghinaan dari Tuhan
Bahkan sebagai hiasan kecantikan

how meaningful the lyrics is? It feels like WE (the women) are being appreciated, well loved and taken care for...

somehow, probing the thoughts into this song enlighten me with the universally acknowledge truth that women are physically weak (as compared to men) but...the perseverance, the courage and the determination is as strong as "the man of steel"...it connotes the idea that giving up hope is the last option available in life...

how true is that? To name a few, take the proof from Fatimah Az-Zahra, Sumaiyah, Aisyah RA and the other legendary models of Muslimah...

however...even if the concept is resolute and indomitable, we cannot deny that women also have faults...strong indeed but fragile at the same time...advises and guidance from the men are undeniably indispensable in the process of developing a personality that could be honoured, respected and venerated..

yes..in today's challenging world, we are challenged and pushed beyond our ability to sustain ourselves from being swept away by modernisation...thus, many of us failed the test put on us...

the result - read the headlines of current issues printed on the newspaper...close proximity is common...cohabitation is becoming a norm...in the name of modernisation and the struggle to adjourn ourselves into the 'in' world, we trade in our values along the way...we do not want people to call us conservative hence we put our honourable teachings in jeopardize...

is it that bad?

but remember...we are the WEAK ones even though we are also the strong ones..we have the tendency to be easily lured by temptation and LUST...we are the FORGETFUL ones as well...we forget most of the times...

so please...remind us of our mistakes...educate us for our lack of 'akal'...and lead us to mould our 'iman'..

but please...don't judge us for our imprudence...don't punish us for our idiocy...instead, guide us to the love of Allah..

women...wake up...come to our sense...change ourselves to be the deserving servant of the Almighty and redeem the rewards afterward...

Insyaallah..may all of us will be blessed...ameen...

falling in love all over again..

how could I...

how could I resist being in love with this profession? (proud to be a TEACHER)..

how could I ever live my life without their wacky & lovely presence?

how could I ever deny the fact that without them, my life is just an ordinary one?

how could I ever say that these people meant nothing to me?

how could I ever survive if they were not around with me?

how could I live???

here are some of the evidences that these young adults are really good in persuading me, making me laugh again after a week of cold treatment for them?

they are the rainbows of my life after the rain...

~~these pictures are the evidences that these people know how to touch the hearts of others through their actions...

~~ the gifts, the chocolates, the teddy bear etc....those are not important...but the words written here means A LOT to me ~~

~~ ini ialah 'bribe' dari anak-anak didik 5 Hidayah 2010 - 'bribe' sebab nak pujuk teacher lepas kena 'jerkah' tak siap homework..ngee =) ~~

• teringat the similar situation that happened with 5 Rahmah 2009 - they were scolded severely for not completing the tasks given to them...in the end, I received a 'LOVE LETTER' from them...ngee...

• *sigh* - teacher Huda memang suka 'mengamuk' kalau tak siap kerja dia..hehe...

• buat anak-anak didik sayang - mereka yang pernah memanggil gelaran keramat 'cikgu' / 'teacher' untuk diri ini....TEACHER SAYANG KAMU...walaupun teacher garang, walaupun teacher marah, walaupun teacher tak nak senyum atau bagi 'cold treatment' pada kamu lepas kamu buat salah...tapi, itu sebagai cara untuk menegur dan mendidik...teacher tak pernah simpan dendam, tidak pernah menghakimi diri kamu...apa yang teacher harapkan ialah semoga anak-anak semua jadi insan kamil yang cemerlang, gemilang & terbilang dunia dan akhirat...ameen...

• (gosh..my BM is worse..those sentences might be the imitation of Ustaz Ahmadi's words...but that's how I really feel about all of you..)

• ** falling in love all over again...

SEKSA nya jadi CIKGU...

salam...

it has been a while since the last time i wrote in this blog...

actually, i wanted to write so many things but due to time constrain, i was tied up to many never ending works...gosh...time flies..and it seems that nothing has been achieved so far..

--> the HEM files are still incomplete..
--> the English panel files are still unmoved since last january..
-->the students' homework are piling up on my desk...untouched for weeks already..

the result = my life...is a complete mess

what happens? too many programmes to handle at the moment

recently, the HOT news that is fast spreading like fire is the issue of TEACHERS:

**** teachers are being burdened by loads of work (no surprise here, since I've already experienced and talked about this so many times before) - refer to Berita Harian edisi 01/04/2010..front page lagi..

**** but there are also news that condemn the teachers...telling that our complain is irrational & irrelevant because all the extra work that we've been doing now
(i.e. co-curricular & clerical tasks) is a part of our duty...

**** some say that our pay is the 3rd highest after doctor & engineer (it states that the basic salary is RM2500- RM2700 - which is so NOT TRUE) ---> for this article, refer to this link:

http://www.utusan.com.my/utusan/info.asp?y=2010&dt=0329&pub=Utusan_Malaysia&sec=Pendidikan&pg=pe_01.htm

(title : mencemburui gaji guru - honestly, what is there to be jealous about?)

but here is the truth:

I DON'T MIND if the extra work is TEACHING (even if I was given 28 periods - solidly used for P & P..it's still bearable even though it is TIRESOME - because I love spending times with my students)

I DON'T MIND if I have to do the extra classes for the low-achievers (because I believe that I could help them, hoping that with my little help, it will ensure that their future is brighter than ever)

I DON'T MIND working extra hours on certain days (at times, from dawn until midnight especially during the annual events such as English-in-Camp/ Hostel Open Day/ Sports Day / Hari Anugerah Kecemerlangan etc.)...It is still fine even though it means that my feet are swelling from standing & walking for the long day...or when the dark, circle ring will be visible around my eyes - the consequence of lack of sleep for days..and many more...

to do all these...I DO NOT MIND AT ALL...

but...

I DO MIND if I have to spend most of my times doing the clerical work such as completing the files for the Nazir to check (who, rather ALWAYS complain than giving positive feedback or guidelines)...doing these clerical work is time-consuming with meticulous details, sometimes, the irrelevant information etc...I prefer to use this time to do ABM (alat bantu mengajar a.k.a teaching aids) or cracking my head on finding ways how to make sure that my students would understand the grammar lesson/literature component or how to make my students stay awake the whole periods and so on...


THE TRUTH - bukan senang menjadi seorang guru yang berhemah, berkebolehan, berbakat & disegani pelajar mahupun rakan sekerja yang lain..

and for me..I am just an ordinary teacher with nothing special except that:

+++ I have passion in carrying out my duty & responsibility
+++ I love my job so much until I don't think that I can do any other thing except teaching
+++ I have wonderful students who light up my days (and who also 'sakitkan my hati' at times - but still ok)
+++ I am with great company (the teachers of SBPISB who are also my good friends)
+++ Not to be forgotten - my BFFs (aunty aida, baya-chan, ummi yakuza and other IPBArians & fellow Victorians)
+++ the most important of all - MY lovely mom & beloved family members - the Ali's family)


and for all these..I am grateful with this blissful life
and...because of these...

I CARE LESS ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK OF TEACHERS

GURU = K.A.M.I = JUTAWAN AKHIRAT (insyaallah...)


note:
---> just finished EiC PMR 2010...

the line up work ---> Kawad kaki peringkat sekolah (tomorow), district level (next wed), Sukantara (19- 24 april), volleyball district tournament (22-24 April), sports day (25 April)..then..ready for the Mid Year examination..

with the list like this...adakah kami (para guru) masih boleh dilabelkan mempunyai banyak ruang masa untuk bersenang-lenang sedangkan untuk makan juga perlu mencuri masa?

AND do you wonder how come i still have time to write this entry? the reality -- i am juggling three different works at this time - i am currently printing about 450++ certificates for tomorrow's marching competition (with school's old printer - believe me, the speed will make the tortoise laugh) while watching the teams doing their practice and writing this journal in between..

gosh...never thought that i could be a multi-tasker & superwoman...